Still Complicated

So the last post was made when I was in this honeymoon stage of this is something new. Well bullshit. The gravity of the situation hit and the fact that he didn't even want to entertain going to therapy blew my mind. I have been a mess for 2 days. You know that not eating, sleeping, driving aimlessly, functioning on autopilot mess. I actually ordered a drink from Starbucks drive thru and broke down in tears. I saw my shrink 2 days in a row. I think the idea of us just throwing 15 years , 2 kids and this amazing foundation away boggled me. WHY? Why is he so quick to toss in the towel. We have friends who have the most fucked up marriages and even they are in counseling. We have friends who seem to have these marriages built on a lot less than us and yet they are married.
Finally it got through to him that I don't care if we go to counseling and we fail. I still have this need to say at least we tried. There is something there worth saying that. If not for us, than for the kids. We need to say we had a mediator look at what are the issues that brought him to his decision to cheat, and what made me lose interest in our marriage too. When did it change? Can we get some of that initial spark back? So we are going to go. Not with the expectations that we will save our marriage. We are going with no expectations. I am going to hear him, he is going to hear me. I still look at him and want to hug him. I hear his voice on the phone and it is still my best friend. That is what is so hard for me in this. I hate what I think he feels he needs to be to not be that anymore to me. I realize I need to change. I also see he thinks he does not. And that right there will be the end of our relationship. Because I can't put into words as well as he can what needs to change. Up to this point I am the bad guy. Even though he cheated, it is because of me and how bad I am to him. This is why I am so glad to go to therapy not to make him see he is at fault....he may not be. But just to see that if it is all me, I need to see it from a 3rd party, and if this marriage cannot survive, we need to come out of this friends and good parents. Right now I am so hurt and so angry that I feel he chose his friends lifestyle choice over his real true self just to get back at me that I need a divorce from that and a reality check into the real status of our marriage. And only then can we move on. It's going to be a bumpy ride but at least we are getting on the ride and not just throwing it away without trying. I am thankful for that.

"It's Complicated"

Well with a touch of keypad, my status on Facebook became 'it's complicated'. And you know what...that actually is a perfect description. Without going into too many details, we finally sat face to face and both over the last two days seemed to come to the same conclusion. No matter what happened something in this relationship is broken. And sure we can go get therapy, but, there are deeper values that are not going to change. Deeper things that when I was alone and thought about my life without him I actually had a momentary sigh of relief! Now the one thing my husband and I have had, that a lot of our friends and their wives have not are brutal honesty. I mean aside from him fucking this woman...he lasted 3 times with her before he told me...his friends....now that's scary. But I am proud of the fact that we can still talk about it all, still be honest that something is broken and that we make great parents, good friends, but the marriage has run its course. I think at age 40 I should not be in something that makes me/us feel so settled. And there are just core family differences we had when we got married that now are just too big to ignore and I can't be made to feel bad about them anymore. On many levels we are alike and so we will always be friends plus we have children that will always bond us. But if we kept this charade up...we wouldn't be very good friends and our kids would suffer. Parenting we do very well. And this will be a slow process. There is a lot to sort out. But you know how afterwards you know you made the right decision because you both feel like a weight is lifted and you can smile at each other again.
I still think he is an asshole for fucking someone behind my back. I wish we could have talked about it all and saved me that pain. But what's done is done. Life is complicated.

and so the story goes....

I haven't been blogging much. Don't know if anyone will actually read this. But I've been doing Facebook a lot and there everyone knows who I am. But today I got sucker punched so bad that some anonymity is needed. I need for people to not know who I am when I say that I lost trust in my marriage. I don't know how I will get this back and I don't know what will happen but right now I feel so blackened. I am one minute angry, one minute sad, one minute sarcastic, one minute hurt. I trusted my husband, he was I thought the real thing. The monogamous guy. I grew up with a cheating dad, I did not want to marry one.
I love him, we have kids, but I am so hurt and so pissed and yet I know why it happened and can see his point to a point. But man if guys don't throw that bullshit "if you saw what she looked like you wouldn't be that upset" line. You can shove that one up your ass....or hers if that is where you put your cock.
See...sadness, anger, happiness and sarcasm in the same sentence. That is me now. I now join the overwhelming % who have spouses that have cheated. And I also join that overwhelming % who said "my husband would never do that". I feel stupid. For that I say Fuck you and Fuck her...just not anymore...til we figure out what the next step is.

Because she rocks!!!

Happy Tryptophan Day Everyone!! I am thankful to have you as a friend and a blog mate!

Just leave it to Lily Allen!

You probably won't find this tidbit in O magazine so I thought I'd share it with you here. If you ever break up with a guy and can't quite find the right words to describe the hell he may have put you through...just leave it to the words and song of Ms. Lily Allen. Her 'Not Big' masterpiece does a nice job of telling him what he was like, and what he should be expecting in coming months.

Sidenote: I so wish I had an english accent...I would sound intelligent even when swearing.

There is another great Chapter fron the School of Lily coming soon dealing with guys at bars who will not leave you alone. Stay tuned............

My twisted sense of humor

Have you seen this book and blog? I find it hilarious and have to pass it along. The book is hysterical. Giving it to my equally twisted sister in law for Xmas.

You're Beautiful (Literal Video Version)

Have you seen these 'Literal Videos'? They crack me up. There are a bunch on youtube. You must check out the Bonnie Tyler 'Total Eclipse of My Heart' one. I am stuck inside....lots of snow here in Colorado and my son is on fall break for the next 3 days...guess Mothernature timed this one well.